Ding Dong! The door bell rings and Mom makes her way to the front of the house to answer it. My six-year-old curiosity forces me to quietly investigate. I leave my room, dropping my toys along the way, and hide around the corner. Mom opens the door. "Oh, hello Dad," she says, surprised. I crouch down so I can see them, but they can't see me. Grandpa! I want to run to him, but some gut instinct tells me to stay in place.
"Hey," He gives Mom a small smile, "I was wondering if Derrold would want to go fishing next Friday."
I want to go fishing! My mind briefly wanders to the last time I went fishing with Dad. I had caught more crappie than he did and I had been using my little Dora poll. We ended up coming home with a cooler full. Mom seems to read my thoughts. "Could Bridges go with you? She loves fishing."
"It was going to be a guys day…" Jealousy boils up in the pit of my stomach.
"Well what are you going to do with her then? You can't just do something with one and not the other."
"I'm not going to do anything with her. She's not my priority. You can take her fishing."
My eyes got wide. I felt cracks slowly working their way out from the knife he just shoved into my little heart. "Not a priority?!" Mom's voice is defensive, protective.
"She's not as important. The girl is not worth my time," he replies, twisting the knife further into my heart.
"The girl has a name," Mom nearly yells as she slams the door. I hurry off to my room, before Mom even has a chance to realize I was listening. I close the door, and then I cry.
Those words became the foundation of many insecurities that plagued me as I got older. I became afraid that I would never be good enough for my friends. I feared being rejected by the people I loved. I became terrified of opening up and letting people see the real me, the dorky me that has a hard time understanding her emotions, likes to run and read, and is always thinking. I built walls around my heart to keep people out. I became afraid of love. I am terrified of love because how could anyone love me? Aren't I worthless? No one could ever think I am important. Those are thoughts that still hit me square in the face sometimes. It's dumb. I know, but hearing those words spoken so confidently from someone I loved and looked up to cut deeply into my soul.
Those words stuck with me for a really long time. Not a priority. Not important. Not worth it. Whenever I saw my grandpa after that, I strived to gain his attention. I wanted his approval. I wanted to be important. I wanted him to notice me. I tried so hard to impress him every time he came around. Then one day, I just stopped. I was tired of trying because I failed every time. I knew I wasn't getting anywhere. So I gave up. I believed his words. I thought I was worthless. I felt unimportant. I became scared that no one besides my parents would ever, could ever think of me as a priority. All because my grandpa, a man I had looked up to, said I was not worth his time.
And to make it all worse, I never told a soul. No one knew I had overheard that conversation until the summer of my eighth grade year of school. I carried that burden all alone for a very long time, but that summer, I went to my first week long church camp. One evening at that camp, we talked about mean words. The meanest words we had ever said to/about someone, and the meanest words ever said to/about us. My youth minister asked me what the meanest thing I had ever had said about me was. That was the moment I couldn't hold it in any longer. My story poured out. Next, I told my parents, and we all cried.
But it wasn't the crying and the sympathy that got to me the me most. It was the look of hope I saw on their faces. My youth minister sat me down after I was done talking to my parents. He sat across from me and looked me dead in the eyes. "You are placing your worth in the hands of you're grandpa, and that is wrong. Your worth cannot be found in the words of a man. Your worth can not be found on Earth or even in the universe for that matter. Your worth can only be found in one place." He squeezed my hand. "Your worth is found in God, the creator of the universe, the holder of the stars. That's where you find your worth. And you want to know what is so great about that?" I nodded my head and he continued, "He thinks you are worth more than gold."
It's my youth minister's words that I repeat in my head whenever I am doubting myself. I have never heard truer words, words that are true for all of us. We are "fearfully and wonderfully made" because he created us (Psalm 139:14). And not only did he just create us and throw us onto this planet, but he created us for a purpose. "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.'" (Jeremiah 29:11). In God's eyes, we are valuable possessions. He chose each and every one of us, saying "You will be my people" (Jeremiah 30:22). In God's eyes, we are without a doubt worth more than gold, because we are his priceless masterpieces.
"Anyone can show up when you're happy. But the ones who stay by your side when your heart falls apart, they are your true friends."
I am Samantha, and my goal for this blog is to basically share my experiences as a teenager. Basically, I am a teen. I have many hopes and dreams, many fears and insecurities that I let hold me back. There is so much that goes on in my life. Sometimes it is a struggle, and that is what this blog is about.