When I was little, I thought of both of my Grandpas with admiration.
Grandpa D. was awesome! Grandma and I would bake cookies and sometimes she would leave on an errand afterwards so the cookies could cool before we ate them. She always left me in charge when she did this, telling me, "Don't let your Gramps eat those cookies. He don't need them with all his health issues." But as soon as she was out the door, I would run into the kitchen. After grabbing the whole container of cookies, I'd sit in Gramps' lap and we'd eat every last one of them before she came back. And of course she scolded us when she got back, but we didn't mind. With big grins on our faces, she could never take us seriously. These are the kind of things I did with Grandpa. It was always fun at his house and we always did something fabulous. These are also the things I craved doing with my other Grandfather.
I always got excited when Mom's dad came by because I never got to see him. He didn't stop by very often and we couldn't or didn't go to his house. But everytime he dropped by our home, I would race to the door and he would smile at me, asking how I was doing. I being no older than 6, would say some crazy thing and laugh, but he never joined in. On one particular day, he stopped by. I remember it was a weekend, around lunch time. His knocking was loud and clear, our dogs barking fiercely at the sound. Mom opened the door and I stayed in my room not knowing who it was. I heard someone asking about taking my brother on a fishing trip. They discussed the when and where, as I crept towards the dining room off the entry way where they were talking. My eyes lit up when I saw him and I almost called to him, but Mom asked what he was going to do with me. (This is where my memory gets fuzzy, and I'm kind of glad I don't remember) I stood in the doorway out of his sight only beause he was staring at Mom. I remember him saying something about not wanting to spend time with me. It felt like a punch to the gut. Silent tears started trailing down my face as he continued. He downgraded my importance, made me feel insignificant. It was another punch to the gut and I made a sniffling sound. ( I remember this part as if it were yesterday...) He looked up as Mom started to slam the door in his face. There wasn't even guilt in his eyes as he saw me there. He was just embarrassed. I turned and ran to my room.
After that day I could barely be in the same room with him, let alone look, smile, or talk to him. I was disgusted every time he looked at me and smiled that same smile from the greetings at the door all those years before. My throat would tighten when he asked me questions and I'd answer through clenched teeth. I paid more attention to his body language and looked in his eyes to see if he was sincere about the things he said. I didn't feel like I could trust him and stopped smiling around him.
As time went on this began to eat away at me, creating struggles and insecurities. I began having a hard time trusting people. I learned how to keep things (thoughts, feelings, etc.) hidden inside because I didn't want him, Mom, or Dad to know how I felt. So I hid it. Many other things occurred from this, but I also became a more caring person. I started appreciating people more and I tried to be less greedy because you never know how long something, or someone will last.
And even after all those years, I haven't forgiven him. I know I need to. I know I need to let it go, but he hurt me so badly. I was SIX years old and he said the most hurtful things I have ever heard. I try to let it go. I pray to God to help me forgive him. I mean if Jesus can forgive all of us, die on the cross for us, then why can't I forgive him? I feel guilty for holding that against him.
I did end the up telling my parents about that and they supported me. They said that forgiveness isn't easy, but if I really do want to forgive him, God will help me get there.
About the Author:
I am Bridges or at least on here I am. Basically, I am a teen. I have many hopes and dreams, many fears and insecurities that I let hold me back. There is so much that goes on in my life. Sometimes it is a struggle, and that what this site is about.
Learn more on my 'ABOUT' page!